Connect & Bond

How to Connect and Bond With Others?

You can call it: having rapport, bonding, or connecting. Regardless of your favorite term, you can not have communication without an open connection. If you call someone on the phone and they don't answer or are not listening; you are not communicating. Face to face communication is the same. If one side is not listening, real communication is not happening. Most flames of conflict are caused by a failure to truly connect and misunderstandings of the messages exchanged. Unclear communication sets fires of destruction. How to begin exploring rapport, bonding, and connecting? We will explore the many roads to making better connections by providing more articles and resources here later. For now, experiment and consider the following story.

I was working on a project dealing with the criminally insane. All the participants were murderers, obviously with communication problems. One young woman refused to speak or even respond with facial gestures or readable emotions. She was considered unreachable. I discovered that she was unreachable because everyone gave up on her and ignored her. They treated her as though she heard and understood nothing and didn't even try connect with her in her world. Just as in our common social realities most people try to force you into their world of beliefs, feelings, and thoughts rather than joining yours. So, I tried an experiment. Everyday I sat or walked with her, mirroring her behavior and didn't say anything. In time she seemed to enjoy this guest in her world. One day, I noticed she was starting to secretly watch me. I had made a connection. I looked at the doctors and whispered, "They don't have a clue do they? You hear and understand everything they say, but are fooling them aren't you?" She looked at me, started laughing and shook her head yes. Then before any eyes were drawn to her, she quickly assumed her zombie position. From this experience I can confidently share one secret to bonding and connecting with others is the power of empathy. More on that later.

Languages and Vocabularies

What language are you speaking? No, I don't mean English or Chinese or some other international language. Is the person you are sending messages to receiving and understanding the same messages? We have all met someone who speaks endlessly but never sends out any meaningful messages. Then there are those who communicate with power but speak very little. I met an American man in China named, Frank. We had both been in China several years but he didn't speak any Chinese. He traveled freely around China, went shopping, and ate at restaurants without speaking one word of Chinese. He only used body language and noises. He found it was so fun to challenge himself in this way, that he decided to not learn any Chinese to get better at nonverbal communication.

I asked Frank how he survived so well without speaking the language. Frank invited me out to eat. As we sat at our table, in Chinese I asked for a menu. Frank said, "No, let me order." Without saying a word, Frank waved at the waitress and she came to our table. He pointed at his plate, waved his arms like a bird, made a painful screaming noise, and fanned his mouth with his hands as though it was on fire. The waitress exclaimed in Chinese, "Oh, you want Kung Pao Chicken!" and ran off to fill his order. I realized communication is not only about words, it is about sending messages that are received and understood.

How to Not Communicate

Don't spend endless hours learning words and vocabulary you will never use to improve communication. It is necessary to learn specialized vocabularies that you will use, such as medical vocabulary for doctors, or scientific terms for scientists. But, don't use the wrong or useless vocabulary that increases your chances of not being understood. You don't' use the same vocabulary speaking to your mother or father that you use with your best friends. Use the vocabulary and speak a style of language your listener understands. If you are not understood, you are wasting air and making useless noises.

I once met a woman who was proud of memorizing and using useless words everyday. Vocabulary building is fine; if it is useful vocabulary that helps you communicate. She would use words no common person used and then pretend she was clever when she said something no one understood. I thought, "How can she feel proud or intelligent by learning how to not be understood? Isn't being understood the purpose of communicating?" Einstein put it best when he said; "If you can't say it in a way an eight year old can understand it; then you don't understand it well enough yourself." When speaking to a scientist, use scientific words designed to help you communicate more clearly; when speaking to a child speak the words the child understands.